Folgers

Dear Folgers,

What have you done to your coffee? It certainly looks like the brown caffinated substance that is sometimes the only reason I am a functional human being. But the smell and the taste resemble less coffee and more an experiment from chem. lab.

I admit I do not have the most discriminating of palettes when it comes to food. In general, if it is mildly edible, I will probably eat it. Heck, if I can chew and swallow it I’ll probably eat it. There are probably three sadly overworked taste buds in my entire mouth.

But I’ll be darned if your liquid death doesn’t offend them all.

And the smell.

Holy-moley the smell.

That is not what coffee smells like. I don’t know what smells like that, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to ingest it. I’ve had hair-dye kits that smell more appetizing than the fumes wafting upwards from a freshly opened container of your classic roast. It’s generally not a point of pride when ammonia is better smelling than your food.

I know your canister says that it contains 100% coffee, but maybe you should check where your beans are being stored. While old chemical waste drums may be thrifty and green, they are probably not the best shipping containers for coffee.

I realize at this point you must be thinking I’m a coffee snob, but I assure you I am not. I enjoy a coffee house’s Americano as much as a greasy spoon’s been-sitting-in-the-pot-all-day. But you, you Folgers, have done something unspeakable to the bean. Something horrible, ghastly and Lovecraftian has happened to your coffee. In fact, I am fairly certain a cup of this is one of the components in summoning Chthulu.

I just thought someone should tell you. It seems rather like the sort of embarrassing situation where you are chatting with a pretty girl and your fly is down. Except in this case instead your fly, you’re being stalked by horrors from the deep, and the pretty girl has tentacles instead of teeth.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Coffee Drinker

Oh...oh crap. I think it is watching me now...